I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
sex in a hospital.. check
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Someone signed my nipple.
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