bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
