I swear she didn't look like that last week.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
