This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
