I'm eating all of the evidence.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
