I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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