paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
