I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
