I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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