omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
