That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
