I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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