You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
