i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
