Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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