i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
