tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
