3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
