She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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