Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
