I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
