my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
