Cold hands, warm shart.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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