My nipple is on Facebook.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
