I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
