He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
