To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I had to cum in my sink.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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