what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
