my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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