it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
