to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
