Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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