He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
