This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
did you just send me my own nude
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
