Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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