How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
