Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
