I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
