hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
