I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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