yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
