I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
