My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
