Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
