I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
