She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
