I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
