How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
