I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
