Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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