I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My ass is underappreciated
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
