if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Don't make out with my wife yet
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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