BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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